I was blissfully unaware that my daddy died. I was going about my life not knowing that soon my world would be turned upside down…
It was not until the evening of July 30, 2013 that I found out he died. You see, we had not spoken for a few years. I happened to be Online, and for some reason looked up his name on Google.
I saw an obituary notice.
I stared at the screen in disbelief.
Surely there must be a mistake.
I got on the phone and called his number. No answer.
I frantically searched for my aunt’s number . When I found it, I slowly dialed the number–fearing the worst.
As soon as she realized who I was, she began to tell me the horrifying news…
My dad had died–months earlier.
They tried to find me and could not.
My dad died.
He’s gone.
I was devastated.
My heart burst, and I cried like I have not cried in years.
Time was up. I could not get it back.
Those years we did not speak… Why didn’t I call him??
You see, my dad was an alcoholic. A real binger type drunk. He called one night a few years prior–drunk, and unfriendly. I told him to not call me drunk ever again.
He never called again.
I never called him either.
Time went on. I would think about him every holiday.
More time went on.
I would tell myself, “I’ll call him soon…”
Soon never came.
Time ran out.
Today, my heart still hurts like it did when I heard my aunt tell me, “Your father is dead…” I cannot describe the sense of loss, regret, and pain I feel. Why didn’t I swallow my damn pride and CALL him??? Why? There is nothing quite like this feeling of regret. My heart aches. There are so many things I wish I could tell him…
I’m sorry, daddy. I love you. I would do almost anything to hear your voice again–even drunk.
If you are reading this, do not let another minute go by. Make the call.
I’m sorry for your loss, and that you didn’t have a chance to speak to him before he left earth. Thanks for the reminder though. I think we don’t think about it enough!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. As I am close to your situation. Though my biological father is still alive. I recently received a letter from him sort of reaching out. I haven’t spoke to my father in 7 years. I was shocked. Angry, sad, hopeful, a tons of emotions. I go to sit down and write him back and have written the letter 10 times at least. And have yet to send it. It weighs on me a lot. Scared and so much more to reach out also. Afraid of getting hurt. Reading this I find myself crying. And ask myself..what am I more afraid of. That he will hurt me again? Or possibly never getting the chance to reach out. I find myself feeling selfish. You don’t have the chance and would give anything to have one. I have it. Thank you again for sharing. I will write him today and send it. God bless you! Thank you again for sharing. ❤️
I’m sorry for your loss. Grieving the loss of a parent is so tough and harder when there are extenuating circumstances. I share your pain as I lost my mom in 2002.
I can feel your pain. I’m sorry you are dealing with this regretful feeling. It’s never a good one to deal with that’s for sure.
((hugs)) My heart goes out to you.
I’m so sorry to hear this but recognize that it has happened with people I know. It is so sad because it can’t be fixed. I pray that you’ll find peace with the choice you made… you made it because you needed to. Don’t forget that.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing the post, hopefully it encourages someone to pick up the phone or visit a loved one!
I’m so sorry to read that you found out about your dad in such a horrible way. One of my biggest fears is losing one or both of my parents. They live in the same town and I shamefully barely talk to them once a week. This post just breaks my heart. :(
I can’t even imagine the emotions that you must have been going through and still must be. I am so sorry for your loss and the unfortunate way you found out. ((Hugs))
((Hugs))
I’m so sorry, my heart truly goes out to you. While I don’t know what it is like not to be able to say goodbye, I do know what it feels like to lose your dad, this year will be 9 years mine has been gone. {Hugs}
I am so sorry for your loss. I haven’t spoken to my biological dad in years. I don’t wish him any ill will and honestly hope he is happy and healthy…. but I cannot have a relationship with him. I do hate that you have such feelings of regret, but I can tell you loved him and not having a relationship with him wasn’t easy for you. I don’t think you need to feel regret, though. You did what you had to do.
Thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine the emotions you felt when you googled and then spoke to your aunt. It’s heartbreaking to read, so it must be even more so to have experienced this.
I’m sorry.
I talked to my daddy yesterday and my mom last night. Tomorrow my daughters and I are driving 9 hours to surprise my grandmother (and the rest of my family) at her 90th birthday party tomorrow evening. I will hug them all a little longer when I see them.
Thanks for sharing.
{hugs}
I’m so sorry, Lara.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I haven’t spoken to my father in years. He really never had anything to do with me. I tried to reach out a few times only to be shut down. maybe I’ll try again after reading this. I will pray for you.
That’s heart wrenching, I’m so sorry for your loss. I still remember the last time I spoke with my dad before he died and am so grateful we got to talk. He died of cancer but he, too, was an alcoholic.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I had better words to ease it all for you.
Sending u a hug. I know alcoholic fathers oh too well. Sadly I had one and my brother is one. My father did a lot of damage growing up and I too never forgave him. It wasn’t until reading your post that I actually cried. He’s been gone for a long time and I suppose because of my heart ache that he caused our whole family I never forgave him. Alcoholism is a disease that rips family’s apart. Its not your fault.
Hold on to the good memories…. for sometimes that’s all we have that can bring a smile to our face about such a rough time in our lives.
I am so sorry for your loss :( HUGS to you sweetie!
A good reminder not to let past problems get in the way of connecting to friends or loved ones.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m in a somewhat similar situation with a family member and after reading your story I’m sitting here thinking that could happen to me at any time. I feel I will be able to make “that phone call” within the next week.
Thank you for sharing.
I AM SOORRY FOR YOUR LOSS,WE HAVE SOMETHING INCOMMON–MINE RELATIONSHIP WAS JUST ABOUT THE SAME….MINE DAD DIED ALSO B-4 I COULD TALK TO HIM MAN TO MAN…..I REGRET BEING SO STUBBERN.
I can completely relate to how you’re feeling. I lost my uncle (who was like a Dad to me) the same way. Nothing can take away that feeling of loss I feel in my heart everyday & the regret why I didn’t pick up the phone. The only thing that gets me through it, is remembering the happier times we shared together, that deep down (through the alcohol haze and deep depression) my uncle knew how deeply I loved him. Nothing can bring him back to me, but now I try to show the ones I love, how MUCH they mean to me.
Sorry for your loss, I have lost both of the parents that raised me. I have recently met and gotten closer with my bio father after putting it off for too long and I am glad I did.
I’m sorry. You told a story I could relate in many ways.
Only my “dad” was a sexual abuser. I too found out he died while looking online after not talking to him for many years.
Only I have no regrets. I’m so sorry that you do. I live with regrets over my daughter’s death, and I know how hard the regrets are.
I am so sorry. I’m sure he knows you loved him and it was difficult for you.
I wish I could give you a hug right now.